Tuesday, July 24, 2018

one day at a time

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It's a humbling realization to learn that you do, in fact, have limitations. When asked how I'm doing these days, the response is usually surface level. There is so much swirling around in my heart and mind that it is hard to pin it down to a simple reply. 72 days ago, three children came to live in our home. And 72 days ago, our lives were turned upside down.

We've known spiritual warfare like never before, cried more tears than I can count, and decided that "one day at a time" would be our mantra from here on out. And some days, it's more like "one hour at a time" or "one minute at a time." For most of my life, I have been able to perform my way to "success." The myth of self-actualization was shattered by our infertility journey last year, and the shards that remained have been shattered yet again as we ride the emotional rollercoaster that is foster care.

I literally do not know how anyone lives life without Jesus. If not for Him, I would have quit hoping for healing. If not for Him, I would not have opened our home to our three littles. If not for Him, I would not be able to love these three littles.

I've read that God always gives us more of Himself and that He doesn't hold back when we come to Him. And I'm beginning to see that this is true. He doesn't withhold from us when what we need is more of Him.

Weakness is something that we do not like in our culture. We like to say that we can "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" and "keep on keepin' on." But what about the days when you just can't? Not that you don't want to, but you just can't? That's when the strength of God enters in. I've hated my weakness and scolded myself for not being able to have it all together, but I'm laying that down. Turns out that wrestling with God can only last so long before you give in.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to relieve me of this. But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment—when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ—I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.
- 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, TPT

I confess that in these last couple months, I have done everything but celebrate my weakness. I've hated it, pushed it aside, tried to fix it, and have begged for it to be taken away. But God has said otherwise. A few weeks ago, Holy Spirit whispered to me that if I believe His ways are higher than mine, than I had better get on board with what He's doing instead of kicking and screaming to get my way in my time. Since then, I've thought about how nice it sounds to say that you're going to get on board with what God is doing, but I've still held tightly to my idea of how things should go. And it hasn't gone so well for me, friends. Turns out when you're clenching your fists and hanging on to your ways, your inner sense of peace is shattered. It may look like things are going ok, but everything is held together by a very thin string right now. And you know what? That's ok. Not because it's ok to embrace sin. By no means. But it is ok to not be ok. And it is ok to need help. And it is ok to boast in your weaknesses and fall into the arms of a loving Father who is waiting to embrace you and surround you with His love. 

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