Sunday, July 22, 2012

on comfort

I really don't want to write these words. You see, I have been avoiding writing for quite some time now. You may or may not have noticed my absence. But the Lord is telling me that now is the time, even though I don't really want to do it.

Since I have returned home from Mexico, my heart and mind have been completely and totally overwhelmed with an array of emotions. My dear friend, Shaylynn came to Chihuahua for about a month to be a blessing to our church, and I had the extreme privilege of getting to know her in my last days there. She is amazing. Beyong amazing, really. Her latest blog post so perfectly summed up everything I've been thinking lately, so please, read it and be blessed.

This past week, another challenging blog post came my way through Ann Voskamp, the author of One Thousand Gifts. Top that off with a convicting message from our youth pastor this morning at church and another blog post this afternoon that resonated with me, and I think the Lord is trying to speak to me. Just maybe.


It comes down to this: my life is not about me. My life is not my own, I am in Christ. Thus, all I am is for Him. I left Mexico because I was too comfortable. At least six out of seven days, I was around Christians. All. the. time. And I just wasn't okay with that. Since I was in middle school, I have had the conviction that the Lord called me to be a light in the darkness. So I left. In leaving, I knew that I would miss the wonderful people whom I had come to know over the past two years. Y'all, I planted roots, and I planted deep roots. My students were (and still are) so dear to me, and my church meant the world to me. I have some amzing friends who are still serving there. But I knew it was time to go. Even knowing this, I still did not want to leave. Up until the last minute, I did not want to leave Chihuahua behind me. I was not that excited about coming home. I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me.

So now, being back, my heart still hurts. It is still difficult to know that the Chihuahua chapter of my life is over. That does not mean, however, that my life is over. While I honestly did not expect it to be this difficult to come back to what (I thought) I knew, the Lord is still faithful. I left the comfort of my little Chihuahua Christian bubble to come back to a city which I love and hold so dear. There are needs everywhere. And yes, I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with the abundant affluence that surrounds me here, and angry with myself for wanting a taste of it. I am insecure and afraid of teaching in the public school, even though it is where I want to be and know that it is where He called me to be.

Even though this season is difficult. it is a beautiful place in which I find myself. Because He uses what is foolish to shame the wise and what is weak to shame the strong. And He is always good. It's just that simple.  So I'll stop seeking my comfort and seek Him, because He really is all that matters.


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