Saturday, January 21, 2012

ready or not...

I was greatly encouraged by the last two posts from Katie this week. It is wonderful how God can use the words of a stranger who is a sister in Christ to uplift my soul.

This season I'm in is a hard one. Once again, I find myself in the midst of a transition. In five short months, my time in Mexico will come to a close, and I will be back on American soil, in the Promised Land I like to call the South, "for good." And I am scared out of my mind. There are so many unknowns. So many people here have asked me if I am sure that God is calling me back home, because "there is so much need here." And I know that. I could easily guilt myself into staying because I know how difficult it is for Binimea to find teachers. I know that my church is teeny-tiny but growing and that I could be a part of seeing some amazing things from the hand of God.

But I also know that there is plenty of need at home. That America, too, is a land of brokenness. A place where people need the saving grace of Jesus. Where the darkness is rampant and the light is scarce. And my heart longs to be a light in the darkness. At Passion, Christine Caine spoke of how her three year old daughter had a "revelation" in Wal-mart. She had just purchased a Barbie flashlight, but was unable to see the light in the midst of all the fluorescent lighting in the store. With the naivete of a child, she cried out, "Mommy, can we please go find some darkness?" Isn't that what believers are to do? To find the darkness and then shine brightly? That is the cry of my heart- to find the darkness and shine brightly in it.

I believe that this is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. I believe that His love is better than life. That He is good all the time. That He will never leave or forsake me. That I was born to carry His name. Although I keep telling the Lord that I am not ready for this new season yet and that I hate change and I want to have all the answers now, He just keeps telling me that He is only giving me bits and pieces right now. And I have to be okay with that. More than okay, I have to be content with that. He has never failed me before.

Everything feels bittersweet these days. I came back from break with a deeper love and appreciation for my kids than I thought possible (even though they still drive me crazy). Yet I long to be closer to my family and friends in Georgia. I love my small church here, but I miss my community at home, too. You can't have your cake and eat it, too...

Nothing I do will be of worth if it is not of Him. And that is the promise and truth I have to stand upon these days, being humbled by the fact that He actually chooses to use me.

For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." How then will they call on him in
whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?” So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ. 
-Romans 10:13-17 

Love love love this song by Sara Groves, even though the video choices for it on youtube were sparse.

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere You are is warmth and light

I am the moon with no light of my own
Still You have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold, dark night
I know I cannot be a light unless I turn my face to You

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